You are viewing quism

My tweets

penguin, sleepy

Tags:

Devoured by a sofa

penguin, sleepy
Among the writing exercises we did at Smut By The Sea the other week was a free-writing session during KD Grace's workshop. The stuff I wrote was partly inspired by one of the responses to the first exercise (to write a sex scene without using any of the usual nouns), which left me staring at my pad for most of the ten minutes before scribbling something illegible, but led one of the other people in the room to read a luscious descriptive passage that didn't actually describe sex but more a food-oriented foreplay (if I'm remembering correctly - my memory is terrible at the best of times). This caught my imagination, and casting my eyes around the room, I settled on the comfortable chairs on the stage. This inspired the following (with minor editing):



The sofa dominated the room. It was large, leather, and looked ancient, inherited from some dead relative or other.

She bade him sit while she went to fill the kettle. They both knew where this was going, she was just building tension, delaying gratification.

He sank into the cushions, probably stuffed with horsehair or something similarly archaic. He felt enveloped, drawn in. He tried sitting forward but the sofa would not let him go, so he relaxed back into the seat. He rested his arm on the edge, but it was awkward, about three inches too high for comfort. He shuffled, shifted, jaffled his backside, twisted, and then it happened.

The sofa swallowed him.

All he could feel was darkness. He was surrounded by the smell of rodent droppings and long-lost coins. Somewhere in the distance, muffled, he heard Karen say, "Won't be long."



And that was that. I'm not sure where this would go from here, but I see a few options:

  • Being British, he doesn't draw attention to his discomfort and stays very quiet. Karen assumes he's left while she was making the coffee.

  • As above, but Karen realizes what has happened, and releases him from his upholstered coffin.

  • As above, Karen realizes what has happened but sits on the sofa anyway. He finds he enjoys this. They go on to have a long and mutually satisfying relationship.

  • The sofa is actually the gateway to another dimension. There are mystical creatures and adventures to be had. Karen is swiftly forgotten. Swordplay is involved.

  • The sofa paralyses him, and slowly consumes his body. Years later, while digging for lost change, Karen finds his thigh bone.

Any suggestions?

My tweets

penguin, sleepy

Tags:

Getting smutty in Scarborough

penguin, sleepy
A week or so ago, Jacqui and I headed up to Smut by the Sea, an erotica conference in Scarborough. We took the Humber Bridge route, mainly because I'd never seen it and wanted to, largely without realizing that it's a bugger to get to and it's narrow B-roads all the way. Still, it is an impressive feat of engineering, and well worth seeing. Scarborough itself was less tacky than I had been led to believe (once you've been on Brighton Pier all levels of tackiness need to be adjusted), though it was a bit of a challenge to find a decent pub - we ended up in The Alma, which was friendly and had decent beer.

I didn't really know what to expect on the day, so was in full "go with the flow" mode, but somewhere in my mind I imagined we would push our way into the venue through crowds of street urchins chanting "boners boners boners, tits, bums, fannies!". Of course, it wasn't like that at all, and we ran into KD Grace and her husband before we'd even left the hotel. The conference itself was being held upstairs in the town library, with a morning programme of workshops, followed by an afternoon reading slam. Between times, there was networking, erotic tombola and books and toys for sale.

As a non-writer, the workshops were interesting and a little daunting. All three had us scribbling away in notepads - Victoria Blisse challenging us to be inspired by seaside memorabilia, KD Grace pushing the limits of my comfort zone with erotic writing exercises, and Lucy Felthouse getting us to come up with erotic scenarios within pre-defined themes (my "lesbian shooting party" may be interesting, I suspect, especially when told from the perspective of a clay pigeon, but I'm not sure if all those well-oiled, twin-barreled shotguns, glinting in the light of a winter's morning would be too phallic). I didn't write anything I was spectacularly proud of, but may post the stuff I wrote during KD's "write anything you like for five minutes" session.

The reading slam was a lot of fun, with Kay Jaybee watching the clock and administering a spanking to anyone who went over their alloted time. Jacqui got everybody feeling hungry again after lunch with her luscious description of the perfect eclair and its consumption, while Charlie Forrest stripped off and threw a shoe across the room. Photos were taken, and the best ended up on Flickr.

Afterwards, in true British style, we headed to the pub, where there was some atrocious karaoke, football was on the TV, and there was lots of interesting conversation, although we ended up in two groups due to the numbers so there was some necessary shufflage.

All in all, it was a fun weekend - the next day, we headed to the castle before taking the quick route home - and I had a great time, having gone in with no real idea what to expect. The other attendees seemed like a nice bunch of people, although it was a bit disconcerting seeing someone who reminded me of my mum saying the C-word, and the pub afterwards was a good laugh. While I didn't particularly expect Published Authors and well-known sex bloggers to act like rock star prima donnas, it's always nice to be proven correct!

My tweets

penguin, sleepy

Tags:

An Alien Heat

penguin, sleepy
I've just spent three days working in London on a client visit. Canary Wharf, to be precise, and may I say, what a peculiar place that is. It doesn't feel like London at all: it's probably the least organic place in the entire city. It's unnervingly clean, all concrete and pretend marble. The roads are narrow and cars stop at the zebra crossings. The buskers whistle! All the buildings are huge, and the whole thing looks like it was designed in a computer simulation.

Canary Wharf is basically a space station. You can get all the way from the tube into the building I was working in without ever stepping outside. The station is surrounded by underground shopping precincts on every side and, if you know the way, you can get right into the buildings on Bank Street without ever breathing fresh air, stopping for twelve different types of fancy coffee on the way!

Even more surprising, on the second day I left the office at around 5pm and found people queuing on the platform to get on the next train. In the middle of rush hour! Oh, Rampant Capitalism, what have you done? This isn't the London I lived in, where people would rather trample each other to death than let someone else on the bus first. Londoners don't queue! They barge, they shove each other aside, use their bags as offensive weapons to secure a standing spot nose-deep in a stranger's armpit. They do not form orderly lines! It's against the very spirit of the place.

Thankfully today I witnessed a large gentleman walking down the street, passing through the middle of groups of people coming the other way like an aircraft carrier crossing a boating lake, leaving them gaping with confusion in his wake. That's the London I'm used to. I'm glad it's still there, under all the shiny bits.

(I still wouldn't want to live there though.)

My tweets

penguin, sleepy
  • Wed, 08:58: One of these days I'll take a hammer to this poxy phone. 3G not actually available despite four bars of signal. Bah!

Tags:

My tweets

penguin, sleepy
  • Fri, 11:41: Sunny Friday morning, working in my darkened house. Must be time for the Josie and the Pussycats soundtrack. #fb
  • Fri, 11:53: Obviously I'm skipping the DuJour tracks. "Whatever dude..."

Tags:

My tweets

penguin, sleepy

Tags:

My tweets

penguin, sleepy

Tags:

Latest Month

June 2014
S M T W T F S
1234567
891011121314
15161718192021
22232425262728
2930     

Tags

Syndicate

RSS Atom
Powered by LiveJournal.com
Designed by Tiffany Chow